This One Time, I was Monogamous.

Sooo... It's been a while. All of my energy was going into shovelling snow and Monogamy Man.  I know. I know. I didn't even really TELL you about Monogamy Man.  He's the fellah who knows all the lyrics to every 80's song in my head that I use in place of a punchline and he's the fellah who closed down the coffee shops with me excitedly chattering and writing on napkins, and he's the fellah that came all the way from 24 years out of my past to make me laugh until my guts hurt and fill my eyes with sparkles just with his smile. He's the fellah who wore the cologne that drove me crazy.

Crazy enough to say to my other lovers, "Guess what! I'm going over here with Monogamy Man, and I am going to be MONOGAMOUS! Can you believe it??" Yeah. That's some powerful cologne.

Two out of Three lovers said "I love you! Go and explore this thing! I am excited for you, and you are in my heart always."

One said "Oh hell no, I refuse to accept that you are doing this at all."

Hagrid knows The Power of Love.

So, that was at the very end of October. It's the beginning of February, and Monogamy Man and I have already run our course. ALREADY. What the fuck? Does three months even COUNT? It was fast and it all made sense, and the Universe had my BACK! Everything lined up beautifully.

I have the sads. I'm disappointed in my inability. I'm mourning. But I'm deep in thought about the whole thing too.

I wanted it. I wanted the promise and I was asking the Universe for stability and a PARTNER that I could DO big life things with. And then MM showed up, and promised ALL THE THINGS. And I changed my whole path. I made plans.

I love that man. And that doesn't go away with the return of his apartment keys and the collection of my slippers from his doorway. I miss him. But I wonder, is it only because he's removed himself from me? My previous loves never really went anywhere in spirit or thought. I knew they were out there loving me. MM is really withdrawing himself from me. THAT'S painful. I'm not used to that at ALL. I'm friends or at least on friendly terms with all of my ex lovers. (Except for that ONE dude. ) I just don't go around severing connections all willy nilly. A sharing of heart space is IMPORTANT and everlasting to me.

Sigh.

My friends were concerned about me, when I told them I was going to go all Monogamous. Because they KNOW me and LOVE me. ALL of them even after seeing how crazy I was for MM asked me "are you SURE?" with concern in their eyes. (I'm the only one among them who has ever called themselves poly, by the way. They are all monogamous or are monogamous when in relationships.)

Anyway. I'm not ready for adventurous or bad behaviour yet. I'm not even ready to be vulnerable in the arms of any of the former lovers who would be willing to cradle me in their comfort zones.   I've been talking this shit out to try to heal. Or find the big answers. The big reason for all of it.Why would the Universe allow me to fall so desperately and deeply in Joy and Love with someone, just to take him away? Fuck, I hurt.

The book in the pic above came in to the thrift store today. A tiny little thing, from 1904 or some damn thing. Written by a religious man, so there's lots of GOD in there. I still flipped through it looking for clues.

Grace.