Sweet Fucker and Corn and Beet, Oh My!

I have started referring to the Violin, as “Sweet Fucker” as opposed to just “Fucker.” I’ve been told that If I continue to just swear at her, she’ll never play beautifully for me.

So, when I make horrible noises from her, I yell “SWEEET FUCKER!” or sometimes whisper it to her. I think it’s working! The notes sound a little less irritating to me.

And, here are a couple of OTHER Sweet Fuckers I found at the thrift store.

 

A little vintage salt and pepper set. I’m sure it’s Sweet Corn and Sweet Beet. The Beet caught my eye, because, she’s playing a Sweet Fucker too! The Corn blowing a flute couldn’t be MORE phallic, without being an actual cock. Made me laugh, all by myself in the thrift store. Ha!

They are dirty lovers, I’m sure. And, check out the Sweet Beet’s face:

I KNOW that Sweet Corn is in a dress… but there’s something else going on under there. Sweet Corn blew a load onto Sweet Beet’s chin and cheek. I mean, LOOK at her face!

And still, she plays on.

Grace.

The New Bo.

So, Bo the Asshole Cat ran away. Again. And we haven’t heard from him since… well, it’s been a while.
I’m not sure he’ll be back. He never really liked the store anyway. However, it’s -14 (that’s celsius) so I hope the jerk has found somewhere to keep warm.

Anyway, meet the NEW Bo.

He’s just chilling with Angelic Garfield. He’s QUIET and lets me PET him, and hangs out at cash NICELY.

I suppose he’ll probably be sold before too long. That’s how it works around here anyway.

Grace

Wicked Witch of the North

eeling like a bit of a Wicked Witch today. For a few different reasons. I’m pretty sure I’m doing what is right for me, and everyone involved…. others around me are not feeling it as much as me, though, I guess.

Can’t please everyone. Not immediately anyway.

Now, If I only had some flying monkeys. Fuck yeah. Flying Monkeys would be the shit.

 

Grace. Cackle Cackle. Sigh.

VHS Movies, Take Out, and Dirty Old Grace.

At the thrift store, we get a butt tonne of VHS movies in. (You know, tapes. Big bulky things, containing movies magically on the inside.)

We get some really awesome throw back films. And some films I’ve never seen, and I go all “Whaaat? How have I not seen his yet?” And then it gives me VCR envy. As I don’t own a VCR. (VCR’s. Big blocky things with buttons. Eats VHS tapes. And grilled cheese sammiches and hot wheels if kept too close to the floor with toddlers in the house. Follow along.)

Anywhere, there’s one particular fellow who comes in the store. Almost always comes in near the end of my shift, and routinely purchases, like, 15 movies at a time. We sell them 3 for a buck. So, it’s not about him being a big spender. This is about me thinking:

“Hey. This guy is in work clothes. So, I’m gonna assume he’s got a job. Also, he buys a butt tonne of films. Meaning, he’s got a lot of time on his hands. He’s also wearing no wedding ring. And he’s handsome, in that work-hard-get-dirty, 50-year-old kinda way. Clearly, he’s lonely and would be eager for company. And he’d probably also spring for take-out. So, I wonder if I ask him, if he’ll let me come over and watch cool VHS movies on his VCR. Since I don’t have one.”

But ofcourse, that trails my dirty mind into all the shenanegans I’d get up to that probably have nothing to do with watching VHS movies from the 80′s. It has everything to do with MISCHIEF. And adventure. And Butt Tonnes.

And THEN I hear the phrase “You don’t shit where you eat.” in the voice of a dear friend. Which translated means “Grace, you do NOT get up to shenanegans with customers. In their lonely lonely homes or otherwise.”

Gah. Do you know how hard it is to keep this stuff in my HEAD all day?

Grace.

P.S. Now I want take out.

Sock Monkeys

I’ve been making a titload of sock monkeys.

(Go ahead. Ask me how much a titload is.)

I sell them in a little shop downtown. I can’t sew fast enough to make any fucking money at it.

This blurry little bastard is watching me shower.

 

Titloads.

Grace.

Awesome. Shit.

The last few days have been Awesome. Then Shit. Then Awesome. Then total runny fucking tear streaked booger shit.

• I broke a teapot. Bad bad juju in my world. Shit.
• My period kept trying to start. For, like 3 days. Non-stop tit-tenderness. And then NADA. Shit.
• I completed some sock monkeys for my little kiosk in a shop downtown, with help from a friend. Awesome.
• I broke the ‘a’ string on the F*cker (Violin) while trying to tune it. As it was out of tune. F*cker.
• Then, I got my tower garden in the house! This was Awesome.
• Then, my tire was suddenly and mysteriously flat. Before having to go to work. Shit.
• Called CAA. They put the donut on, in my driveway. So I got to JOY. Awesome.
• My period actually started. And I was in ALL the fecking pain during my work JOY shift. Shit shit fecking leaking bloody shit.
• Got a hold of my mechanic, he took my tire and checked it. Turns out it was only a leak and fixed it for me, and put it back on! Awesome!
• And then there was some other stuff that was both Awesome and Shit Shit SHIT  – This is romantical stuff that I don’t know that I’m quite ready to try and explain. Polyamoury. It’s Awesome… and then it’s Shit. But not really. But totally. I’ll explain some other day.

Anyway. This is the F*cker. This is what a MAD $400+ crisis looks like. With a broken string. Fack.

 Yes. The stickers are pricing stickers. So I know where 1st and 3rd finger are supposed to go. But, we all know where 3rd finger goes when you break a facking string, and can’t get it fixed just now, so you can’t practice making terrifically horrible noises.

 

Grace.

P.S. I totally just found a chocolate chip on my keyboard. And ate it. Awesome.

Happy Phantom

Had the Tori Amos song “Happy Phantom” stuck in my head in the shower…  And I’ll go wearing my naughties like a jewel!

However, I MAY have given myself boy-naughties under that dress. Don’t over analise it.

And then, the Phantom showed up. He wasn’t entirely happy though.

And, my camera is an asshole, so I had to frig with the photo so you could SEE the ghost.

Anyway. I was ALMOST late for work today. Mainly because I spent too damn much time in the shower doodling this.

Grace.

Harley to Scooter. VROOM.

What started off as a big bald dude on a Harley…

 

Ended up becoming a bent over old lady on a scooter.

I don’t want to overanalyse this at all. AT ALL.

Grace.